2019 has been the weirdest year I have ever lived.
To be honest, I don’t even know what I mean when I say that it was “weird” because there’s the good kind of weird and then there’s the bad kind of weird. Looking back, the things I experienced weren’t necessarily “bad” anymore than they were glaringly “good”, so perhaps the best way to describe 2019 is to say that it was a spiritual kind of weird.
If you’re Christian or particularly spiritually in-tune with the universe, then what I am about to share will probably be uncomfortably relatable. But if you’re totally new to all of this, stick around anyway; you may need the information some day. And chances are, if you’ve stumbled upon this post, I’m sharing this especially for you.
Seeing Is Believing
As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve spent the last three years developing a relationship with God and intensely studying how His world truly works.
Quite early on, I discovered that God has always intended for us to be intimately connected to Him by maintaining a spiritual mindset. We are to view life and ourselves as He does, not as society sees things and not by solely relying upon the sight granted to us by our physical eyes. However, as you may already know, it can be exceedingly difficult to achieve this in the world we live in.
Modern society moves very quickly, it’s highly distracting and it is propelled by what people like to call “reality”. With the advancements in technology, we have all become more visual as well. Most of us like the pretty pictures on Instagram with the vibrant filters and the eye-catching graphics; so much of what we engage in these days revolves around the sense of seeing.
Additionally, there are many cultural changes that have taken place which have influenced where the line between fact and fiction is now drawn.
Physical proof or “receipts” always need to be furnished (as erroneous and fraudulent as they may actually be) in order for the general public to accept something as being true. As the world sees it, something is either true or it isn’t. You either are something, or you’re not. You either have something, or you don’t. And whichever the case, the claim needs to be physically verifiable through one of our conventional senses in order to be accepted as such; you can’t just present something as truth and justify it by saying, “Because”.
If you are someone who shares this particular viewpoint, don’t feel bad. I’m not criticizing you at all because I lived the vast majority of my life believing the very same things. For me, life was often black or white. I lived and would have gladly died by the phrase, “It is what it is.” My sense of “reality” dictated what was possible just as much as what wasn’t.
Even though I believed in dreaming big and letting my imagination run wild with goals I wanted to achieve, I was a realist through and through. Dreams were only as good as having the money for it in hand or knowing the right people.
In my eyes, there were things that I considered to be within the realm of possibility, so I would usually pursue them without issue. However, there were other experiences that I might want to have, but because it wasn’t “realistic” based on worldly standards I wouldn’t even allow myself to imagine working towards it.
That all changed in 2019.
One thing you guys absolutely must know about me is that I am a true Cancer through and through. While I am perfectly happy being a mercurial dandelion puff that blows to and fro with whatever wind pleases me, I am often hesitant to extend the same courtesy to my environment. I can be carefree and unpredictable, but life, you cannot. Though I am spontaneous and love to change my mind on a whim, I greatly prefer stability and certainty if it is something outside of my direct influence.
It is for this very reason that I think surprise parties would grant me a first class ticket straight to the ER. I would probably OD on fear of all the unknowns: How many people are here? How long was this kept from me? Why did I wear this outfit today of all days? More importantly, how was anyone able to hide this from me? Is there lipstick on my teeth? Is someone taking a photo of my reaction while I have potential lipstick on my teeth? Will they post the photo on Instagram, Twitter, or both? What if it goes viral? Oh gosh, please don’t go viral.
Overall, I have spent most of my life trying to predict, coordinate, and control the things that would occur. It has never been the easiest task, but I’ve done my best to have a hand in whatever I possibly could. If it could be helped, I wouldn’t do or say anything unless I had already figured out what it might lead to.
It was usually a great comfort to rely on my own thoughts and feelings to guide me through life because I knew I could always revise things if things got too hot in the kitchen. My decisions weren’t always the right ones and I may not have always taken enough risks, but if things went left, I could at least get out of it.
I’m sure you can imagine my horror when God came to me earlier this year and basically said, “Hey, remember how you said you wanted to follow my will for you? And you know all of that stuff you’ve been planning on doing in life? Yeah, about that… you’re not doing ANY of it. In fact, I’d like you to do X, Y, and Z. Good luck not having a clue what you’re doing or how it will unfold!”
This is exactly how 2019 went. He swiped all of my plots and plans right off the table before replacing it with brand new aspirations. I never saw any of it coming, but once He showed it to me I knew there was no turning back.
The Sneak Peek
As previously mentioned, the first part of 2019 pretty much went according to (my) plan. Perhaps it would have continued to do so if I hadn’t started meddling with my future, asking God to reveal things I clearly wasn’t ready to hear. But of course, being as curious as a cat, I simply had to meddle.
The train jumped off the tracks the moment I started wanting to know something very specific about my future. It was weird because one day I didn’t care, but by the next day I couldn’t rest without knowing. Thinking back, I’m not too sure that it was me who inspired the fascination in the first place.
Part of me already knew a few things regarding my inquiry because God had been sharing aspects of it here or there since the end of last year. At first, I never saw anything in the physical, I merely sensed it energetically or through random visions and dreams. Other times, I would see physical representations of things He’d told me, which was pretty exciting. However, being the impatient little thing that I am, I wanted to know even more.
I still remember standing in my bathroom one day as I was praying. I basically begged for “a sneak peek” of what was to come. That was around early May. By the end of that month, He opened the floodgates and I nearly drowned.
From that point until now, God has revealed at least one mind-blowing revelation per month. Each and every one has been so wild and outside the realm of what I could ever imagine for myself that I’ve been thoroughly freaked out by it. The mere thought of what He was telling me to pursue scared me so badly that it mentally paralyzed me. I spent more time procrastinating and wringing my hands than doing anything else this year because I was downright petrified.
The first thing that He revealed to me was actually the main thing I thought I had wanted to know the most, but as soon as I realized what it was, I short circuited. It has been seven months and I’m still dazed!
Although many other realizations have been really scary in an exciting way, this one thing in particular has been the hardest for me to exercise my faith with. Not only have I struggled to see how it would ever come to pass, but I have often felt quite unworthy of it. So while God kept telling me to prepare for the introduction of it into my life, I kept going on and on about why I “couldn’t” do what He was clearly asking me to do.
Living Life Blindfolded
For the past seven months, I have spent every waking hour preparing in some shape or form for what God has shared with me.
In addition to exerting a whole lot of energy, I have invested money along with countless hours of my time. There were plenty of sleepless nights and extra early mornings, and let’s not forget the seemingly endless maze of emotional ups and downs. I feel as though I have been living in a roller coaster half of the year and I don’t even know if I’m in the final stretch yet or not!
Walking by faith opposed to by sight is extremely, extremely difficult at times. As humans, we want to know that we are making the right decisions, that everything is going to turn out alright in the end. When we read stories or watch movies, we desperately want to know how it all ends and I don’t know about you, but I cannot stand when the story line doesn’t pan out the way I imagined. Well, it’s the same with our actual lives.
As safe as we may want to play the game of life and as straight and narrow a road we may try to walk, there are some things we simply have no control over. This is especially the case as a believer who is intent upon walking into our true purpose in life.
While God is glad to reveal what He has created us to be and do, He will never hand us a step-by-step, turn-by-turn guide on how to get there and allow us to just go along on our merry way without Him. Instead, He tells us where He wants us to go and says, “Follow me.”
This is why it is so important for us to develop a strong relationship with Him and learn to tune our hearts to His leading. We must believe in what He shows us and then trust him enough to take the steps He asks us to take. However, hearing Him and believing Him is only half the battle.
I had a lot of difficulty following God’s direction this year because I often allowed myself to get overwhelmed by what He was asking me to do.
First, I would have a hard time believing the things He showed me were real because they were so much better than any of the things I’d ever asked for. By the time I came to believe Him, I would hit yet another wall because I would struggle to figure out how it would ever be possible.
After a period of time, I would move on from worrying about the logistics of things only to start picking myself apart and trying to “explain” why I wasn’t the best candidate for whatever he was telling me to do. In fact, I got tripped up on doubt and my own irrational insecurities each and every time.
Unfortunately, God wouldn’t show me the next step of the plan until I took the one He’d already instructed me to take. So, if I became overcome with doubt and refused to move forward, His instruction would stop and it would become very hard to see which way to go. There were no shortcuts or detours either; if I wanted to see advancements I had to do what He asked me to.
Once I got over the hurdle and moved in the right direction, there was always a new and encouraging set of instructions waiting for me. The key was to keep moving despite my lack of perfect clarity and direction, but that still isn’t the easiest task. It is like a peculiar version of Marco Polo, only drier and I can’t just cheat by peeking through half-closed eyelids.
Oh, and then there was warfare– heaps and piles of spiritual warfare.
If there is one thing that I got cozy with in 2019, it’s spiritual warfare. From the moment that God started telling me what He wanted me to do and showing me how to do it, everything intensified so severely. It was almost like walking through quicksand at times because it became hard to get anything done without coming to expect some form of spiritual retaliation in response.
From having crippling doubts to waking up at all hours of the night due to wildly bizarre nightmares, I quickly came to view 2019 as a twelve-month long war. So when I say that I had a rough year, I’m not actually referring to anything in the physical. In fact, nothing particularly unpleasant happened in the physical this year.
Outside of a number of patience-trying delays, things in the physical world ran pretty smoothly. Anytime something went awry, it would always resolve itself in a way that was satisfactory. However, when it came down to the fear and anxiety that would suddenly crop up or the stifling feelings of inadequacy, I could scarcely keep my head above water at times.
There are so many negative thoughts, events, memories and people that can mysteriously pop up in your life right as you are about to stumble upon something or someone that could be an uplifting influence in your life. Over time, I’ve noticed that these attempts to distract or upset you usually increase the closer you get to what God has promised you.
So many people give up right at the last minute because of how hard it can be to keep going, but I strongly urge you to stay strong and stand firm in those situations. These trials, as debilitating as they can potentially be, are specifically designed to shake our faith and steal away the very things we are meant to experience.
Besides, we may never know how many amazing people’s destinies are intertwined with our own. Some of the most fortuitous partnerships and events have occurred throughout history simply because two people “just so happened” to be out in the world doing what they were called to do when they suddenly crossed paths.
Each one of us has the potential to experience the very same good fortune, but if we throw in the towel too early we may never find out what could have been. What if that one chance meeting could change your entire life forever?
Faith Over Everything
All prior jokes aside, “Faith over everything” was my motto for the year out of plain necessity. I would not have made it through 2019 or the years before it without crazy faith. Period.
I cannot tell you how many things could have gone horribly wrong if I had allowed myself or the people I love to engage in needless worry over things that were contrary to what God had sown in our hearts. Between health scares and turbulence in the workplace, there were countless opportunities to lose sight of what He’d promised.
As tempting as it was to solely rely on my eyes to determine what was true and “real”, I knew I could not afford to place too much stock on the appearance of outside circumstances.
To God, what He speaks to us on a spiritual level is infinitely more real and influential than the things we currently see in the physical world. After all, what we see in our physical lives is the result of what we believed or spoke into existence in the past, whether we meant to or not.
It is pointless to focus on something that’s already been created. Instead, we should set our eyes on what is yet to come, that which can still change.
In 2019, I learned how to believe as the Bible encourages us to believe as well as how to use my words to combat disbelief and fear. Although there were times when situations threatened to get the best of me, I’m still here– believing. Hopefully, you are too.
© C.M. 2019 All Rights Reserved
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